Mmmm. The party last night was lotsa fun. I'm glad that we decided to go as the "zombie nation" rather than the whole "Alice in Wonderland" theme. That would have been Way too much Alice in one room. I'm not feeling particularly inspired to write anything witty or inspirational . . . so I'm gonna go have breakfast. Maybe later I'll write something interesting.

YAY!!! It's the weekend!

Twisted Logic, E-mail #2, & my response. I'm getting kinda bored with this, I hope she gives up soon.

“drop every friend you ever hurt, justifying it by claiming that they hurt you at some point too” *sigh* you Never listen do you? You STILL seem to have the misguided idea that I stopped being friends with you over the whole Greg thing, or even the Cory thing. Nope, try again. Like I Said in my email to you, you've changed. I'm not talking about in the past few months since you've been "trying to adjust to a lot more work than I am used to". No. Compared to the person you were when I met you, years ago, you have become someone that I no longer Want to be friends with.

I have no problem acknowledging my faults Erin, I have many. Several I'm aware of and, I'm sure, plenty I'm not. Admittedly, saying I'm sorry is one of them. But then, I'm not sorry for what I did, and therefore Will Not apologize for it.

EVER.

“I make mistakes and sometimes I do things that hurt other people and I have no problem admiting [sic] to this fact.” Very true. You are SO willing to admit to having problems, but you never do anything about them. You keep making the same mistakes over and over. I'm sick of being your therapist Erin, and I'm pretty sure everyone else is too. I’m sick of seeing you manipulate the people around you, and try to manipulate me. You do it to all of your friends; you call it being “generous” at the time. Later you expect people to do things for you, be sympathetic to all of your causes and ideas, to hang out with you rather than others, just because you gave them things or money. It’s just like what you did with Doug, trying to buy his affection, and guilt tripping him constantly.

“As much as I may like to sink to your level and say a lot of terrible things about you,” which, strangely enough, you Do two sentences later. We’re all sick of hearing about how you are so much better than everyone else, get off your damned High Horse. Going to a university Doesn’t make you a genius, and looking down on people because they haven’t gone to college doesn’t make you any smarter. It makes you narrow-minded and ignorant. It’s one of the ways that you’ve changed. “a tendency for whineyness [sic]” Oh, honey. It is Way more than a tendency with you, it’s an entire lifestyle.

You have it completely backwards, I didn’t “drop a friendship because I fucked up” I told Cory what I did because I didn’t Care what your reaction was. I thought she should know, and you and I already weren’t friends. I stopped considering you a friend months ago. When I realized that you were a bad friend. Yeah, maybe subconsciously, my only purpose in telling Cory was to stir up drama for you. But then, you didn’t have to rise to the occasion, did you? You Need a big dramatic scene to end things. I’ve seen you do it over and over. If there isn’t one, with you as the wronged party at the center of attention, you create one. “but if ending our friendship is really what you want, please don't come out of it thinking that your [sic] some martyr” I don’t think I can even take this statement seriously coming from you. It’s so hypocritical it’s uncanny.

“Why is it that no matter what happens, you always have to be in the right?” I never said I was right. I said I don’t care. I know you can't let anything die, and the only way to get through to you is to shock you into paying attention. But I really just don't care about you anymore. You are worthless. There are more important things in my life for me to deal with, than you and your bullshit drama. Perhaps what I'm trying to say is this: I'm over it. I'm over you. Have a nice life. Leave me the fuck alone you raving psycho.

~Loren Zeman

--- Bonnie Parker wrote:

> What the fuck?! Why is it, that no matter what happens, you always have to be in the right? Like I was in your reaction to my mention of being upset about what happened at Munchies, again I am a little confused by your reaction to this. You make a mistake (and no matter how you may justify it to yourself, telling something I specifically requested you to keep to yourself is a mistake) and instead of simply saying your sorry, you disown me?! Going back to the Greg/Munchies thing... Yes, I shouldn't have slept with Greg, but you were encouraging me to and you guys had been broken up for over a month when it happened! You specifically and repeatedly told me that I should comfort him and that it didn't bother you. And, since it did upset you (and if I had had any inkling that it would, it wouldn't have happened in the first place) you should have talked to me about it, not to a bar full of people. As far as friends you lost- you never told me about that and I'm sorry it happened; I'm pretty certain that I thanked you many times for being there for me through that horrible time because I knew a lot of people were talking a lot of shit. I lost a lot of friends over that whole situation too- they heard only Doug's side and he was being a dick. As far as "secrets" go, what secrets of your's did I share with anyone? I don't recall any time in which you told me not to tell anyone something and I betrayed your trust and did. If there was such an occasion, then I most sincerely appologize (because unlike you, I can admit to being wrong sometimes), but do you think that justifies your actions? What made you so certain that Cory needed to know? Why did she need to know? Was there any purpose that was being fulfilled in telling her, other than starting a bunch of shit? Coming back to the issue of secrets- I never said that this was a secret, per se, but is it really unreasonable for one to have private elements of their lives that they only share with one or two people with whom they are closest? Again, perhaps this does come down to my poor discretion. This is probably the biggest difference between us: I can acknowledge that sometimes I fuck up. I'm sure I haven't always been the perfect friend and I'm sure that some of your bitterness and anger is justified. You see, I'm human, and I make mistakes and sometimes I do things that hurt other people and I have no problem admiting to this fact. Usually though, I will be the first to admit when I screw up and will appologize and do what I can to try to fix the situation. I felt terribly when I saw how upset you were about Greg. I was frankly shocked because it was not at all consistent with everything you had said and done up to that point, but I do realize that emotions are tricky things and extremely hard to predict and when I realized how hurt and betrayed you felt (and apparently- sorry I don't recall saying what you quoted- I stated it poorly in the phone call) and I kicked myself to hell and back for making a bad decision (though it WAS supported by all parties involved). Yes, I screwed up, but Loren, what you might never admit to yourself, is that you did too. You told me to sleep with him and then you freaked out at me when I did and told everyone at the bar that i was some bitch of a friend sleeping with your exe behind your back when that simply wasn't how it happened. I hate to tell you this, Loren, but you're human and make mistakes and sometimes hurt people too and perhaps what is most frustrating about you is that you are unable or unwilling to own up to this fact. Instead of refusing to speak to me for a year (and you are right it wasn't 2- there were 6 months before you left and then you had been in Guam for about 8 months when you IMed me that first time), all you needed to do was say "I didn't think I would react this badly and I should have come to you to talk about it- sorry about telling everyone." I wasn't that mad, just hurt that you did such a 180 on the whole thing and couldn't even come to me about it. And coming back to the situation with Cory, I'm sorry to say it, but you were in the wrong and no quantity of wrongs I have comitted (and most of them, I've hopefuly appologized for) makes what you did ok. You betrayed my trust and instead of simply admiting that you screwed up and appologizing (and though you've never given me a chance, I move on from things surprisingly quickly), you have written me this shitty email which apparently justifies your actions?! As far as how I've "changed." I am still trying to adjust to a lot more work than I am used to and I appologize if I have been blowing my stress out sideways. I never meant to complain so much because I am actually very happy with where my life is going. I'm sorry that you view me so horribly and I guess if what you wrote is truly what you feel and not just written out of anger, then I have to tell you that it really hurts my feelings and I think that in the end you are the true bitch in that you would pretend to be such a close friend for so many years while harboring so much bitterness. As much as I may like to sink to your level and say a lot of terrible things about you, the fact is that I always have and still do love you. Your pride and inability to acknowledge faults is a pretty ugly weakness (I would argue equal to mine, which you so profusely expounded upon), but as I said before, we are all human and have our own unique fuck-ups. Hopefuly some day you will mature enough to realize yours and maybe work on it to be a better person. IF you think about it, dropping a friendship because you fucked up, while it allows you to come out on top and to avoid having to admit that maybe, just maybe, you were wrong, is a pretty fucked up thing. God, if you drop every friend you ever hurt, justifying it by claiming that they hurt you at some point too, you just might end up with no one, but since you are better than everyone around you and apparently incable of making mistakes, maybe that is for the best too. I suppose it is probably unlikely that you will even read this since your pride maintains that you get in the last word and avoidance (as was demonstrated with the Greg/Munchies situation) seems to be your favorite way of dealing with things. Of course, regardless of your reasons, you have a right to make that decision, but if ending our friendship is really what you want, please don't come out of it thinking that your some martyr and I'm a bad person who was a waste of your time in the first place because that is simply not true. I have my faults and a tendency for whineyness is probably one of them, but you can't say we never shared a good thing, nor can you say that I have been any worse a friend to you than you have been to me. I will miss you and hope that if you ever get over this bullshit, you'll know that the door will always be open to you- unlike you, I can move on from things. If all goes well and I get into U. of Maine, I'll be gone in 8 months or so at which point our friendship would have been forced to dwindle anyhow, so perhaps this is for the best. Again, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. > Erin

Update on the Erin saga, on the off chance that anyone cares: E-mail #1 & my reply

> Erin

First off. I don't consider you to be my friend anymore, and will be adding you to my ignore list as soon as this is sent.

I haven't considered you to be my friend for a while. I was over the whole Greg thing, and we had started talking and hanging out again BEFORE I left. Though you may have "overlooked" that in your need to feel martyred. I misjudged how I would react, that's true. But a real friend wouldn't have slept with my ex no matter what, and certainly wouldn't have done it two weeks after we had broken up. That is why I reacted the way I did. I gave up all of my other friends to be friends with you, because they talked so much shit about you behind your back. You took that sacrifice, and shit all over it. And then I had no one to talk to about my problems with the two of you. It was a betrayal of my friendship, far and away above what I 'did' to you. What sent me over the edge then, after we had started to be friends again, was a single comment you made on the phone, "You know, it was really Your fault it happened" Don't EVER presume to blame ME for YOUR decisions.

So, to "refresh" your memory, we didn't talk for about six months. Then I went to Guam. Now, other than email I didn't talk to ANYONE while I was there. I DID however talk to you via IM, and Email. And of the _TWO_ people I made the effort to call YOU were one. And you didn't seem to be at all interested in talking to me, so I never bothered with it again. So I think you can take your whiny "you didn't talk to me for two years" and shove it up your fat delusional fucking ass. Because I DID.

The Cory thing. You specifically said that you didn't want her to know. I don't care what you've changed your story to now, but that's what you said. And yeah, I did think she should know about it, and I did bring it up out of the blue and tell her. So what. Maybe I wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't rubbed it in my face every time we spoke. I told you repeatedly that I didn't care, and didn't want to hear about it. Why was it a secret in the first place, Erin? I stopped telling you my secrets years ago, because you never kept them to yourself. I tell One of yours and you go off the fucking deep-end about it.

"Perhaps you are unaware of how hard I work" Of course I’m aware, how could I not be. It's all you ever fucking talk about. I kept wondering why I was always in such a shitty mood after hanging out with you. And it took me two or three months to figure it out after I got back. Listening to someone complain about how shitty their lives are for 5+ hours is going to put anyone in a bad mood. You've changed, and Not for the better. You want to hear a secret of mine? One of the ones I wouldn't tell you before? I think you should have been committed when Doug moved out. I still think you lie about yourself to impress people. And I think you fuck guys in order to feel good about yourself. That is why you are not my friend anymore Erin, not because of any one specific event, no great melodramatic reason. You are simply a shitty person to hang out with. And the only thing I'm sorry about is that I wasted so many good years on you.

~Loren Zeman

--- dharma bum wrote:

> Dear Loren,

> First of all, I want to appologize about putting off this discussion for so long. Second, I would like to appologize for being rude a couple weeks ago. We do need to talk and just telling you to leave resolves nothing, but that night was not the night to do it and I really wanted a little more time to pass so I could speak with you rationally and not be so pissed off. That being said, I do have a right to be angry and as much as I wish it weren't, the two years dissapearance is getting rolled in. I guess what upsets me is that I trusted you with information which only one other person was privvy to (Bonnie) and in spite of my request that you not tell anyone (because it was private information that was not anyone else's business), you did it anyway. Now it is possible that I have my story wrong, but from my knowledge, you brought it up out of no-where, feeling that it was something Cory needed to know? If indeed it was Cory who asked you, then that is different- I would not expect you to lie to such a close friend and although either way, you have broken my trust, I could understand your stance, if this were the case. I guess what puzzles me is that you felt compelled (with no apparent reason, other than to stir up a bunch of drama which I sure as hell didn't need) to tell her unprompted by any suspcicion on her part (indeed, if such suspicions were present, she should have come to the source: that is, myself or Kenney). What made it so much worse was that you told her that I specifically told you not to tell her, when in actuallity, I told you not to tell ANYONE (something which apparently you either didn't understand or didn't care about- personally, I'd prefer to think that perhaps you were confused or simply ignorant, but since you are too bright for that, I have presume that you understood, but simply didn't care about my love or trust and did it out of spite). Can you now understand why I am upset? Perhaps you are unaware of how hard I work (between teaching, grading, prep, and my second job, it comes out to around 70 or 80 hours and it can be a little stressful) and how little energy or time I have to devote to drama. I can't handle much with the kind of workload and stress that I deal with and I REALLY didn't need this. If I had really wanted Cory to know, I would have told her, and if she really wanted to know, she would have asked. I never lied to anyone. I just felt that I had a right to some privacy and shared the information with my two closest and most trusted friends (I do love and trust Cory, but I have always been closer to you and to Bonnie and I didn't really feel like telling my entire group of friends). Does this make sense? I guess then, coming back to the two year thing, I do feel badly bringing it up because I had completely dropped it. The fact that you made me look like a jackass, giving only half the story to a bunch of people at Munchies (including a guy I had a crush on) and the fact that you refused to even talk to me for two years when all I wanted to do was tell you that I was upset and have you hear me out so we could move on from the whole stupid incident, really hurt my feelings. When you reappeared into my life, I was thrilled and after two years of missing you, I didn't give two shits about the original incident- I was just happy to have one of my best friends back. Now though, it seems that you are still out to make me look like a jackass and I'm extraordinarily confused because I really thought we were better friends than that. I don't know, maybe I screwed up in accepting you back into my life no questions asked. I just assumed that we would go back to the friendship we once had, but obviously that isn't the case and I guess it was really my blind trust which has gotten us into this predicament. Well, I don't think there is much more to say for now. We have a lot of talking to do if we want to save this friendship and it will probably be a long time before I trust you again, but for all the good times and love shared, I still feel it is something worth saving if you are interested.

> Erin

I apparently give the impression that I have a very negative outloook on life.

I don't.

The world that we live in is messed up, but there is so much potential for beauty, and joy, and life. It exists, even now, in such amounts that if I were to smile at everything that made me happy, at everything that I thought was beautiful, or everything that I saw that made me feel alive, if I gave that expression a chink in my armour, I would cease to be. I would explode in all directions at once, or go up in flame, because human beings weren't meant to hold that kind of emotion inside them.

I would become . . . I don't know what would happen to me but I wouldn't be who I am today. who I am now would no longer exist.

I would make of myself, a place where the self is not.

If that makes any sense. because you can't contain a sense of self amidst that kind of experience.

So it seems I have a choice: either continue to go on as I have, worried that I will lose my identity in what I don't understand and can usually contain. Or, cease to be what I've always been and become something new that will scare me shitless in the process.
Phooey, it's times like these that I really wish I could believe in some kind of deity. I could use a little bit of help on this one . . . .

See, and this is why I should never be allowed to drink coffee after 8pm.

I came home today from class with every intention of just grabbing my camera and leaving to go take pictures. And then I got online. And then I started IMing a few people. and Now it's dark out and 3 hours later, and I wonder where the time went. I think I'm addicted. To many things, but in this instance, the interweb. It is my nemisis. I love it so, but it drives me to do stupid things. It gives me the mediated knowledge of all mankind, but I use it to take quizzes for hours on end instead. It allows me to connect with my friends, but also gives creepy weirdos access to my private journal.
Granted, in many cases the creepy weirdos _are_ my friends, but that has nothing to do with it.
75/75

Compared to how good my weekend was, Monday is going very poorly indeed. I got some potentially very bad news about one of my best friends. I overdrew my checking account, and got hit for almost $100 in overdraft fees. And driving to and from the bank, (all pissed off) I got stuck behind a succession of slow, idiotic "drivers". Not a big thing in the greater scheme, but it didn't improve my already highly frustrated mood. So on a scale of 1-10, Monday so far has been a "3". Maybe even a "2" if you include not getting my French homework done.

I have learned a hard truth.

that horrible twig girl has come around again.
stealing into the thin places where i don’t fit
and somehow growing larger than her frame should allow
pushing me out
like a tree root breaking apart stone

I _really_ need to stop going into the school bookstore with money in my pocket. I just can't seem to help myself from buying more books, even when I know I have no time to read them. *sigh* But this one was totally worth it. It's hard to find good poetry, right? and when you Do find it you should snatch it up, right? I'm trying to justify this purchase, I'm not sure it's working.

Chorus of chirp and whirr:
a crowd of locusts; crickets;
or else
the magnified rush of blood through the body,
audible: a monstrous human purr of pleasure.
Or the mesh of gears through, more than distance,
time,
riding the hills
under the aspened mountains, gold as of just this week.
if this racket's my doing, it's true then,
I'm happiest as I am now:
alone, on a road
in a rugged landscape, headed away from home.

Check out the new pics too.

c'est ne mon pas du jour.

I nearly had two, (count them, Two) head on collisions today. Some idiot in a truck pulled out the wrong way on a one way street right in front of me. And then later, I'm looking for a parking place at school, and some chick comes whizzing around the corner and doesn't stay on her side of the lane. I slam on my brakes, and lay on my horn. And she gives me the shittiest look, like it was MY fault. I really wanted to get out and yell at her. But I was already late.
I decided long ago that if I ever come into a large sum of money, I'm going to take some small crappy car, armour it, put in a roll bar and a five-point harness, and enforce the driving laws. It'd be Soooo much fun. "Oh, I'm sorry you decided to change lanes without checking or using your turn signal. Oops. Good thing I happened to have this helmet on." :D

Ran into Seth and "Ensign Crusher" at the 'Fly yesterday after class. Ended up hanging up with them for like 5 hours there. Then we went out for our usual tuesday night wings. Man, I am gonna have to stop ordering wings. It doesn't matter where we go for them they always makes my stomach feel kinda wonkified. Afterwards some of us went to Showgirls, and ended up closing down the club. Ivy was there, she bought me a drink, I think she was hitting on me. She's more than a little annoying. *shrug* But she did buy me a drink, so I tolerated her. It was kinda cool, I haven't gone out a whole lot since I got back here. Also It's nice going to the stripclub and only spending three dollars, 'cause they've got their "second string" working that night.

Woke up late today. 10:25, I have class at 10:30, tossed on some clothes and rushed out the door. Wasn't too late, and apparently I didn't miss anything important so that's good. I was sitting there and realized that I have a test in North American Indians at 1. So here I am eating breakfast and trying to look over my notes. One of these days I'll actually be prepared for something. Anything. At least it's a georgeous day outside, so after class I might go take some photos. la de da. gotta go.

Sooo . . . .I'm pretty sure I bombed my french test. I realize I say that after every test, but this time I think it's true. Oh well, I was going to get an 'F' anyway, at least this way it'll be a higher 'F'.
*sigh*
Went for a long walk in the woods after I got home. It drizzled on and off, and I still had a great time. Haven't done that for years, now I remember why autumn is my favorite season. Kicked up four deer and there were too many birds flying around to count them all. I nearly had a squirrel fall on my head. I came around a tree and scared him so much he nearly fell off of the branch he was on. lol . It was hilarious watching his face once he finally caught his balance. lmao

This weekend in MI was . . . interesting. Worth going back, but not something I think I'm going to get addicted to. Of course now I have all kinds of ideas running around in my head for those other two slots. Dammit, have to do French homework instead of indulging myself. Stoopid me, I took my French books with me up there, only to leave them in Tucker's car. Had to drive up to get them. Gah! Makes me feel like an idiot. Anyway, back to the homework. I really need to learn to balance my schoolwork and social life. Not like that's going to happen any time soon. Wish me luck! :D

Stoopid breaking cars. mine specifically. costing me $200 to fix . . . grumble grumble grumble.

I've realized that this whole week has been one long list of complaints from me.

No More!

I'm sick of being the person that everyone thinks is depressed or angry or pessimistic all the time. You people can piss off! everyone else is welcome to stay.

My week wasn't really as bad as I've made it out to be:

• I got two days off school to play with,

• I had my French prof give me a very big break on that French test.

• The weather's been lousy, but I got some great photos out of it.

• Erin decided that she wasn't my friend anymore, and really I'm kinda glad that she finally did. She was depressing to be around, and I hadn't considered her a friend for a while. So that really wasn't as bad as it seemed either.

• Procrastinating for my French test let me get nearly finished on my shield.

• And I came to the exciting conclusion that there is an inverse relationship between the amount of time I have to do something, and the likelyhood that it'll get done.

That's it for now . . . I'm sure I'll come up with more later.

Arggghhh!

Dammit, my wireless has suddenly decided that it's going to work sporadically, rather than all the time. Really this shouldn't be an issue, since all I need to do is move everything, and wire myself back in. But it's still damned annoying all the same.
Flunked a French test today, she's gonna let me make it up on Mon. but that means I get to spend my spare time studying. If indeed I have any spare time this weekend. blah. blah. blah. stoopid frogs. I'll be the french-wench. ha ha ha heh . . er . . um . . . .okay, it wasn't funny.

Today went vastly better than yesterday. . . Of course, it would take major effort on the part of fate for me to have a worse day. Still shittyness in the weather, but what can one do. Went down to the bank to close my account, but first asked what was going on yesterday. Luckily for me. Apparently they had a random system shutdown. They're not sure what happened, but they are taking steps to fix it and the system is up and running today. Weird, but not life threatening. So I decided not to close my account, path of least resistence, etc, etc. Went down to the other bank, (I've been having a lot of bank issues lately) and found out I just need to call their 800 # to get things worked out about my loan. So that was relatively painless. Got invited to do City of Villians Beta testing. SWEET!! Here I was about to cancel my account, and they give me this cookie to keep playing. *sighs, shakes head* All in all a decent day. And now I will _really_ try to do my homework, but who knows . . .

> Erin~
> 
> Okay, first, allow me to fill in all the facts since
> it is obvious you're reacting without having all the
> information...
>
> The night that Loren was there (Thursday) when you
> got home, nothing was planned.  Loren took me to cash my
> check and since we knew you were at work, we stopped
> by to hang out with Kenney.  Neither I nor Kenney
> thought she would stay and hang out once we started
> smoking, but she did.  As a matter of fact, her
> original plan was to eat her dinner and then leave,
> but we were having fun so her plans changed.  Since
> we are both still good friends with her, this was a
> very cool thing because as you know, Loren doesn't
> generally hang around when there's smoking going on;
> consequently, we don't hang out very often.  We
> played Clue and had a good time while you were not forced,
> but instead made the decision to go hang out
> upstairs with Bonnie.  You could have hung out with us.  And
> maybe Loren was hoping for the same thing you were,
> did you think of that?; that things would just blow
> over and you guys would be cool again.  It would be
> my guess that's why she stayed and not because she gets
> some sick pleasure out of making you uncomfortable,
> which is apparently what you think.  She was being
> very genuine in her attempt to converse and be
> social. It was not part of some greater plan to betray and
> have power over you. 
>
> As for the night of drinking...Kenney and I were at
> work and talking about how long it's been since he's
> drank and how he hasn't gotten trashed with either
> me or Loren for several years.  This was Friday.
> Kenney was under the impression that this bonfire that you
> guys were going to was Friday and not Saturday.  So,
> when Kenney got off work, he tried calling Loren but
> got no answer.  Kenney and Randy met me at work at
> 11 and we walked back to your house, where it became a
> night of smoking rather than drinking.  This was a
> spur-of-the-moment thought and it didn't pan out,
> and for the better apparently since you were going to be
> home, seeing as how Kenney had the wrong day for
> your bonfire in mind.  So, you really have no
> justification in my opinion to be pissed or hurt about that
> considering we were trying to be respectful of your
> problem with Loren. 
>
> Now, about Loren...First of all, Loren doesn't
> really have much of a thing for Kenney.  She was definitely
> crushing on him for a while, but then she met
> someone and has been occupied since.  Loren is really more
> interested in spending time with her friends right
> now and she's known Kenney almost as long as I have.  I
> don't doubt that Kenney still has a thing for her.
> I can tell; I know what it looks like when he has a
> thing for someone.  But seeing as how Loren isn't
> exactly single, I sincerely doubt that what's going
> on between you and her has anything to do with what's
> between her and Kenney.  So you can eliminate that
> theory from you list of conspiracies, too.
>
> Now, in the spirit of keeping the lines of
> communication open, a few more things...First of
> all, I think from now on I'll be discussing things with
> people as I see fit, since you keep asking me to
> keep things between us and yet you can still share them
> with other people.  That's fine.  It's up to your
> discretion who you talk to, and mine who I talk to
> from now on, and that's just how it's going to be. 
>
> Secondly, I also think that you really need to stop
> talking to me about this Loren thing, like I've
> already asked you to.  Until you talk to Loren about
> this, nothing is going to be resolved and all you're
> doing by continuing to talk about this to everyone
> but her, is pitting friends against each other.  So, I
> don't want to hear it anymore?  Got it?  I happen to
> think that Loren has nothing to apologize to you
> for.  You messed up when you asked her to lie to me, but
> she doesn't 'betray' her friends so she didn't lie to
> me. She didn't start any drama.  For some reason, you
> still feel like you need to be mad about this whole
> thing, and if you want to be angry at anyone for
> starting the drama, then you should be mad at me and
> not her.  All she was doing was being a good friend
> to me by disobeying what you had asked her to do; it
> wasn't until days later when I talked to Bonnie
> about it that I decided to confront the issue.  Loren
> doesn't start drama.  So if you really think that
> you need an apology from her, then maybe you should
> think about giving her an apology as well.  Asking your
> friends to keep secrets from their other friends is
> just plain wrong so Loren is not the main blunt of
> the blame...Oh, and please don't attempt to lie to me
> about that again; it's getting very old. 
>
> Erin, you've got to stop this.  You've got to stop
> turning everything around as if to seem that we're
> out to get you.  No one has betrayed you, or sought to
> persecute you, or forced you to do anything.  You
> are responsible for the things that you say as well as
> the things that you don't say.  If you messed up, just
> take responsibility for it.  You're also responsible
> for choosing not to talk to Loren about this problem
> in the opportunities you've had.  I thought I had
> already made my opinions on such matters clear to
> you in the past, but obviously you required a refresher.
>
> Now, please, stop this silliness, talk to Loren, and
> let the damned dead horse lay. 
>
> Just so you know, I'm trying my best to remain
> neutral in this little cross-fire.  If you keep this up, I
> will no longer be able to stay neutral, and I'd
> really rather that didn't happen.  Please take care of this
> already; the next time I hear you mention it, it
> better be after you talk to Loren.
>
> C

Dear C,
> I'm sorry to bring this up, but it's something which
> is really bothering me and since our new game plan
> is talking shit out and keeping the lines of
> communication open...  I'll be honest; I was pretty
> hurt when I heard that you, Loren and Kenney all
> planned a let's get drunk with Kenney night on the
> weekend of my birthday, at my house, no less, and
> didn't invite me.  I suppose it was assumed that I
> was invited because I live here, but what I don't
> think anyone is quite understanding is that I do not
> feel comfortable around, nor do I want to be around
> Loren. To me, a night spent drinking and being
> forced to hang out with her if I even want to hang
> out at my own house, would really suck.  I realize
> that she is both your's and Kenney's friend and
> that's fine, but I should not be made to feel
> uncomfortable and forced to hide upstairs in my own
> house.  I guess what is most upsetting is that she
> is acting like everything is fine even though she
> knows I'm pissed.  In fact, I almost think
>  she likes it- the power to drive someone away from
> their friends and out of their own house is a pretty
> strong power.  Perhaps if she would appologize, it
> wouldn't be so bad.  Of course I know she won't
> apologize though- we've been through this before-
> rather than apologize last time, she just refused to
> speak to me for a year and a half- hell I wasn't
> entirely over being upset about that, but I was just
> so glad to have her back and it didn't seem worth it
> to hash it all out because it was something really
> stupid in the first place)  That's not to say that I
> would trust or ever be close to her like I once was,
> but at least I could be around her without wanting
> to throw things.  She has made it quite obvious that
> she doesn't feel that our friendship is important or
> worth saving (and perhaps I'm wrong, but is my
> friendship with her over just because she wants to
> hook up with Kenney?- if that's the case, then
> perhaps it was never worth much in the first place
> and it was my mistake for
>  loving and trusting her like I did...) and because
> of that fact, she is not welcome in my house.
> Again, if we talk and she apologizes for betraying
> my trust and stirring up a bunch of drama which I
> didn't need, I might consider continuing my
> friendship with her, even if only in a rather
> limited way and of course at that point, her status
> in my house would definately change.  However,
> untill that point, I would really prefer not to see
> her and hope that you can understand where I'm
> coming from.  Please understand: I am NOT upset with
> you or Kenney at all and I hope that my feelings
> toward Loren aren't going to affect our friendship.
> Well, that's about it.  I really needed to get all
> this off my chest.  I was hoping to put off talking
> to her until I'm not so angry, but since she's
> decided, of late, to start spending more time with
> her lowlife "pothead friends," I have a feeling that
> it will be necissary sooner than that...  Anyhow, I
> love you lots and appreciate you listening.
> Love, ERIN 
>
> P.S. I already talked to Kenney regarding this and I
> will talk to Loren myself so I do ask that this
> email stay between you and I.

Bad day. Started bad. Stayed that way.

Crappy rainy morning, afternoon, night. Found out that my bank decided to deny access to my account (and everyone’s I presume) because it’s Columbus day. Gonna close that account.

The things between Erin and I came to a head. Cory told me that she was bitching about me and had issues but wouldn’t talk to me about it. And then in typical Erin fashion, she decided to be melodramatic and kick me out of her house. Of course she waited till I was outside, about to head down to the corner store with Kenney, Cory and Randy. And then came out, only to say that she wished I would leave because she wanted to have a "good night" tonight. Lol. So I replied with,

“fine, fuck you then! If you want to be a cunt about this, then go ahead and be a cunt about it!” Perhaps not the best choice of words on my part. Went over to my car, opened the door.
“I don’t even know what the fuck you’re pissed about!”

“Well come back then, maybe we should talk about it.”

“No, you want me to leave, I’m leaving.” But like an idiot I waited anyway.

“First of all I think you owe me an apology."

"For what?!"

"Lets start with two years ago . . . . when you stopped talking to me for like two years.”

“I knew you were gonna fucking bring that up!”

“And then you went and told people something I had asked you to keep secret.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you went and told everyone.”

“No I told two people, my best friend and my former friend”

“You know what, fuck you.” I get into my car and start it up, trembling in reaction (and the effort it took not to put out my cigarette on her). Roll down the window.

“You know, lying about shit doesn’t make it any better!” to which she turns around to have the last word, which of course I can’t hear because I’m letting Randy in, since I promised him a ride home. Nearly hit her with my car as I pull out of the parking lot, but that was really just because I couldn’t see through the streetlights reflecting on the windshield. I saw Cory and Kenny walking back to her as I drove away. I wonder what they said, I doubt it was soothing to her feelings though. So much for her "good night". Fucking bitch

*sigh* I don’t know. I think I have a handle on a person and then they turn around and get all psycho on me. Maybe in her delusional little world I really did stab her in the back like she apparently thinks. But then some secrets shouldn’t be secrets. So what if she’s fucking her roommate, I don’t care, no one does. Why would anybody have sex with someone they want to keep a secret? And if you have a secret you don’t want anyone to find out, why would you tell anyone. I just don’t get it. Then, (and this still pisses me off), she goes and brings up shit from two years ago. It was two years ago I’M OVER IT, why can’t she be?! I’ve moved on, he’s moved on, we’ve all moved on. Except her. ‘Cause she’s psycho. I really think that she should’ve been institutionalized after the whole Doug incident. She was threatening suicide, for god’s sake. Why didn’t someone lock her up?! The way she takes reality and twists it around to suit her is downright creepy.

Probably the most annoying thing, is that . . . Well, okay, One of the most annoying things is that now I can't go over there to hang out with Kenny. Another, is that Bonnie told Cory the same thing I did, but of course Bonnie is exonerated, while I am turned into the scapegoat for all of Erin's unpleasant feelings. I Hate Goddamn Hypocrites! More than anything else on the face of the fucking planet!

I have to try to calm down so I can get some sleep; though I'll continue this rant at some other random time, I'm sure.

I got an e-mail today from Dr. J, sending out the collage of the Bali pictures. It made me miss that experience and everyone from it (except Dave). So, I decided to wear my Bali clothes to school today. It's been unusually warm, so I figured I'd be fine. So I put on the whole outfit: sarong, kebiyah, bracelet. No sash though, couldn't find it.
Off I go to class. The first thing I noticed when I got there was people watching me as I walked to class. Then I started noticing _their_ clothes. It's wierd how you tend to not notice what people are wearing unless it's unusual in some way. Like, in Guam, there was at least some diversity in the clothing styles because of the Chuukese girls wearing their skirts all the time. On the college campus here, everyone dresses the same, even the people who are obviously trying to stand out, all do it similarly.
Like a uniform of acceptability, there is a standard fashon, and certain patterns of acceptable deviance from that pattern. If you deviate too far in one direction you stand out too much from the norm and people start to make comments. Comments can be either bad or good, I got lots of comments today from people saying that they liked my skirt (sarong). Normally these are people who wouldn't say anything about how I'm dressed, or were people whom I don't even know.
Later, it started to get chilly, so I put on a sweatshirt. If I had thought I was gatting strange looks before, when my clothes were consistently outside the norms, it was nothing compared to the looks that I got when I combined an article of clothing outside the norms with an "acceptable" piece of clothing. It was like I was breaking the "rules" with the blending of cultural items, whereas before I was totally outside those "rules".
Just some observations on my day. Perhaps some insight into the inner workings of how and what I think about on a daily basis . Whatever. My sore throat isn't any better today. While it did help me cut back on smoking for most of the day, I completely fell apart while I was hanging out with Cory, and smoked like, half a pack. And I was doing so well.

Woke up today with a nasty sore throat. I hope it's just 'cause the weather is changing this week I'm really not in the mood to get sick again. and again. I can't believe it's only Wed and I'm already wishing it were the weekend.

*sigh*

I was thinking about going up to MI , then decided not to because of finances, then I talked to Mom, and Now I might go (again). This whole making plans in advance thing is overrated. I think I'm gonna go **** ** and think things over.

It's odd how when you're hanging out with Seth, gamers just come oozing out of the woodwork. And in other news, I managed to finally get a flashcard for my camera. Which means I'll be hauling that thing around with me constantly for the rest of the month. I may even decide to go up to MI to take pictures of the uber-geeks. Then again, maybe not. Not really much else to say. Spent all weekend hanging out with friends since I actually didn't have any homework, except reading the Eskimo book. 'Course, I didn't get much of that done either. :p

You scored as Grumpy Bear. You are Grumpy Bear. People just don't understand. Grumpy Bear 75% Bedtime Bear 58% Champ Bear 58% Good Luck Bear 58% Do-Your-Best Bear 58% Harmony Bear 42% Wish Bear 42% Share Bear 33% Friend Bear 25% Laugh-a-lot 17% Funshine Bear 17% Tenderheart Bear 17% Love-a-lot Bear 8% Cheer Bear 0% Wich Care Bear are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Why? Because I wanted to know what it would feel like.